Eulogy by Jacob Fisher, Tracy’s big brother:

tracyI’d like to share a few thoughts with you all today. A few quick memories, and a few words that have brought me immense comfort over these last few days.

When I heard the news I collapsed. There was no way this was actually happening. There was a torrent of questions raging in my mind screaming for answers and nothing came.  I will not fear, for fear is the mind killer, I will face my fear, I will let it pass through me, after I face my fear only I will remain.  And here I stand alone.

Yet the true measure of a peoples strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels today. She was my sister, your daughter, your niece, your best friend, your babysitter. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels today.  But every time we think we’ve measured our capacity to meet a challenge I want you to look up and know that that capacity may well be limitless.

I remember when Tracy came into my life, I remember standing in my parents room in Burbank feeling my mothers stomach and feeling her kick. When she was born I thought she was named after Dick Tracy. She was actually named for my mom’s mother who passed away while she was still young.  It is a sick irony that both of them were stolen away from us far too soon and when we needed them the most. They were both beautiful women who would light up any room they walked into.  My comfort is that she’s up there with her grandma’s making them laugh right now.

Our childhood was strained, I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t resent her like any good big brother should for stealing my spot light.  And man, she would steal the show!  She had absolutely nothing but love for me, wanting to be just like me. Following me around and doing all those things good sisters do i.e. pester and embarrass the way cooler older sibling. I pushed her away for years, maybe jealous, maybe scared of her. Both of us were especially close to my father’s mother and she was our rock. She was the rock of our whole family for that matter and when we lost her something inside me changed. I knew that the love of our grandmother was not the only bond holding us together. And if either of us were going to make it we were going to have to do it together. I made it a point from then on that I was done with any petty bickering or malice or jealousy for my sister. She was my sister and if only for that fact I would love her unconditionally.  As we got older it became easier to share interests.  I felt it was now my duty as older brother not to pull hair and make fun, but to educate her in the ways of Pink Floyd and the Beatles plus I’d sneak some star trek in there just to bug her.

We had been all over the world together. As far north as Alaska, as far south as South Africa. We’d been on so many adventures. From white water rafting down the snake river, to a paddleboat cruise in the heartland of America. We saw a particularly awesome pink Floyd laser light show together. We have shared the spotlight on the stage before many times, in fact it was on this very stage that we spent years together in the youth choir. Most kids spent their Friday nights with friends or partying, I spent it with my sister in the front row of services here at temple shalom. She has done more, seen more, than most people twice or three times her age. She’s even climbed to the top of mount Olympus. I was looking forward to getting older and keeping a healthy sibling rivalry going for many years to come.  I, like many of you, feel as if I have been robbed.

“And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be…”

After picking myself off the floor Monday I went to her room and sat down on her bed. I had to be close to something of hers. The first thing I noticed was the quotes she had written on her mirror:

“Their embrace had been a battle. The climax their victory. “

-1984

I couldn’t believe it, it was like she was talking to me at the very moment.  I had always told her to read that book, and I knew KNEW that she wasn’t gonna like it but for her own damn good she should read that book. I never expected it to move her to write a quote…let alone THAT quote on her mirror.  Our time together had been a battle. But in the climax we found victory.  For her sake I will find some victory in this.

The other quote she had there was:

“Where dreams have no end.”

Tracy, you are in a place now where dreams have no end. We should work every day to make that heaven right here on earth. There is no reason why it can’t.  Look beyond yourself and see the others around you. Look beyond greed, envy, pride. There is more to life than these things.

We all love, we all hurt, that is life. Tracy saw the rainbow lining in everything and I’ll be damned if I let that die with her.

This is life. This is biology. This is science. This is religion. This is what we do. We live and die. This is being human and I urge you to be like my sister and squeeze every ounce of joy out of life.

This is tragic, this is unfair. If you don’t live here and now, you’ve wasted this gift. No matter how young or old you are remember: This is the prime time of your life, now. Live it.

I’d like to leave you with something I have borrowed from my friend Jesse Goode which made me think about Tracy

Smile.

You’re alive.

Be happy, confident, kind, caring, loving individual who will help others as much as himself.

Are you ready?

Lets go…

Haec credam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scito?

Cruciatus in crucem, eas in crucem